*texts back 3 weeks later* sorry I fell asleep -@MensHumor
"cause you know I'm all about that bass" *turns off radio* -@aguywithnolife
Modern Hanukah - watch Dad mumble a bunch of prayers off his phone! -@juliussharpe
Secret Santa at the CIA sucks. They torture you until you say who gave what. -@juliussharpe
If I were president, my Twitter bio would read, "#1 PRESIDENT OF ALL TIME!!!" and that's why I'll never be president. -@DamienFahey
Q: If fruit grows on a fruit tree, then what does chicken grow on? A: A poultry.
When Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a sledgehammer, its "art" and "music". But when I do it I'm ... http://t.co/iZTxelRT0N
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